I'm Not a Playa - Chapter 9
"Oh look who's back!" Taylor heard a familiar voice from next door.
"Oh hey Jeff" Taylor saw that it was Rachel's older brother.
"Wow, we haven't talked for like a year"
"Yeah my brothers and I have been really busy"
"I beeped you but I don't think you gave me the right number"
"It might be because I changed it. My cousin has a club online and she gave my beeper number to like a million members" Taylor exaggerated the number.
"Yeah it wasn't funny at the time"
"True. So your mowing the lawn?" Jeff noticed the lawn mower handle in Taylor's hands.
"Yeah, I still have chores"
"So I guess fame hasn't got to your head huh?"
"No, it hasn't"
"I'm sorry to admit but I thought it did"
"Nah.. oh, sorry I didn't make it to Rachel's funeral" Taylor looked down at the grass.
"Yeah well neither did I"
"Where were you?"
"I didn't leave the house for four months. It was kind of a depression thing. She meant so much to me"
"Yeah me too" Taylor mumbled.
"Yeah you meant a lot to her too"
Taylor paused and then spoke up. "You never found out why she killed herself huh?" Taylor knew it was because of him but he wanted to act like he was just as innocent as everyone else.
"Oh no we found out!"
"You did?" Taylor jerked his head up confused.
"Yeah, it was kind of a secret but I mine as well tell you the truth since you were so close to her. Rachel was dying of leukemia and only had a few months to live. She was scared to death of the pain the doctors said she would go through the few months she had. So one night she figured it would be better to kill herself instead of letting her friends, mostly you because of her big crush, and family see her suffering. She didn't want the sympathy from anyone"
"How do you know all this?"
"We found her diary when we were looking through her draws to put her stuff in boxes. Follow me Taylor. I think you need to see this"
Taylor followed Jeff to Rachel's room. It looked the same as he had remembered it. As he looked around at the room he had spent so many years in Jeff threw the diary to him.
"I think you should get a look at this. Most of it is about you".
Taylor held the diary to his chest. "Are you sure its my business?"
"Trust me, it is"
"Did you know she had leukemia and was dying?"
"Yes our whole family knew. She didn't want to tell you because she thought you would think of her differently. I think you should read it as soon as you can. It will answer all of your questions"
"Okay, I think I will. Thankyou"
Taylor laid chest down on his top bunk bed. He opened to the first page of the diary. He realized that the first entries were from 1996. He started to read the first entry...
Taylor and I hung our at the river again. I had so much fun! He looks so cute when he's all wet which I have mentioned in the diary I owned before this one. When we were playing tag, Taylor was it. He grabbed me around my waist and my stomach leaped so high I thought it would come out of my mouth! I wanted his arms around me forever. Everything was going great until SHE showed up. There she was that slutty little Amanda Brown catching MY guys attention. He couldn't keep his eyes off her! I thought they would fall out of his head. She just smiled back at him the whole time. I hate her! Taylor and Rachel forever! - Rachel
Taylor flipped through the diary noticing much of it was about him. He stopped to read an entry that was written a month after the last.
It happened! Taylor and Amanda are officially a couple! I went to see Taylor at OUR river and I stumbled across him and that slut .... oh my god .... doing it!! I swear he was buck naked (Cute butt!) and was like inside her! Anyway I ran home in tears! This is one of the most depressing days of my life! I know Taylor comes across town as a player but to me he is as sweet as he was before the whole record deal and before girls called him every second to ask if he would go out with them. -Rachel
Taylor didn't know she had caught him having sex with Amanda. He felt the same amount of guilt on his shoulders as before even though he felt relief knowing he wasn't the cause of her suicide. After reading many more entries about the girls he had dated and how bad Rachel felt he found one about her disease.
I went for another checkup today. It turns out I have cancer. I don't know what I did wrong. The doctors said they might be able to cure it. I'm hoping so. I am so confused. Everything's going all wrong. I don't want to die. I'm scared, really scared, really really REALLY scared!!! I'm not telling any of my friends or Taylor <3 because they will think I'm weird. Taylor has been dating so many girls lately and they all seem so perfect. I'm probably the most imperfect, most annoying thing in his life! I don't even think he wants to be my friend anymore! I embarrass him!! I love him so much! Soooooooo much! I want to kiss him so bad and he doesn't realize how bad I want him. I want him to touch me like he touches all the other girls. AHHH I love TAYLOR!!! - Rachel
These entries were getting intense. Taylor never knew any of the things she had wrote about. He never knew her feelings. If only he had gotten this diary in his hands before she died. About an hour later, Taylor was in tears. He came upon the last three entries. All of them were written a few days before she killed herself. He decided these were must reads.
A few months until I die. Doctors say approximately 3 months, possibly 4, maybe 2. They said during the last days of my life I should try to make them worthwhile but I will be going through a lot of pain. I don't want to feel this pain. I found a reasonable solution for all my problems. I'm going to kill myself. I don't know how yet but I am going to do it very soon. One thing is for sure, I am not going to die a virgin. I am going to get Taylor to have sex with me If I have to force him! - Rachel
Taylor was completely wowed at her last comment. He flipped to the next passage which was very long and began to read..
Oh my god! What I have to say is amazing! It is 3:00 in the morning and I just got back from Hanson's treehouse where I lost my virginity! Guess who to! TAYLOR! I know, details, details! Okay so when I was going to visit Tay, I noticed him up in the tree house alone. It was 11:30 and I figured I should visit him to say good-bye. I climbed the broken down ladder to the top (Which is pretty low) and said Hi. For a few minutes we talked like we usually do. He reminded me he was going with his family to CA tomorrow to record their first official album and how excited he was. I listened to every word of his excitement. Although mine wasn't as great. I knew this was the last time I would ever see him. That's when he told me that he was going to miss me. My heart jumped a mile and a half! His hair was put back in a ponytail, his face red because he was blushing. He was wearing his denim shorts and his red shirt with the beige stripes. He looked so hot!! I wanted him right there! As for my looks, I had on a pair of cut off black shorts and a purple tanktop. My wavy weird brown hair behind my ears. Lets just say I wasn't very attractive. After talking to Taylor for awhile he actually made a move. He slid closer to me staring straight into my eyes. My heart was beating faster and faster and I was tingling all over my body. Nothing was happening so I decided to say something. I told Taylor I was cold (Good move!) He took me into his arms gently rubbing every part of my body to make me warmer. I was so nervous. He never talked to me like he had that moment. His usual slightly squeaky voice was light and sexy. When his eyebrows barely lifted I thought it was even sexier. Soon he kept telling me how much he loved me and how much he wanted me. I was about to melt because I felt the same way since I met him. I don't know how it happened so quickly but soon Taylor's lips were on mine. Oh my god they were warm and smooth and wow! He's such a great kisser!! Not short after, I felt his tongue in my mouth. The whole time I played along determined to take this as far as he wanted it to go. I prayed he wouldn't stop. Well, the kissing got out of hand and I noticed him trying to take my shirt off. I let him of course and feeling brave took his off. He just smiled and held me. I loved being in his arms! Now a few minutes (Or what seemed like a few minutes) Taylor and I were completely naked. He was on top of me. The boards of the treehouse were hurting my back and I know this is stupid but I was worrying about splinters! Anyway, I have never seen a guys dick except in pictures and of course my brother when he was younger so Taylor's was really interesting. Kind of disgusting looking. I was scared at that point of actually letting him have sex with me. He held me tighter, allowing his dick to touch my private. It felt warm around me. I thought of the day I caught Taylor and Amanda having sex and how I wished I was Amanda at that moment. Then I thought well now I am. So many feelings were running through me. There was nervousness, scaredness, happiness, love, lust, devotion, obsession, and the need to let him have me right there. He asked me if I wanted him to put on a condom. I told him no. I guess the reason I said no was because I didn't want him to leave me to get one and I knew I was going to die anyway. It seemed like he was insisting he would put one on but I kept saying no. He finally nodded his head and spread my legs apart. Now I was extremely scared but he held me comforting me the whole time. I don't know what was running through my head when Taylor pushed himself into me. I remember his expressions. They were all in focus on what was going on. As for me I didn't even know what was going on. I remember that Taylor was slightly jumping and was firm in me. Let me just say it hurt like hell. It felt like he was inside me for hours but soon a huge amount of pleasure came over me. I think it came over Taylor too because at that point we were screaming and moaning and oh my god it was so amazing! Taylor pulled out of me right after all the enjoyment had gone away. He laid next to me. My back ached from the hard wood floor, my legs ached, everything ached! (It still does) What I found kind of sweet was when Tay asked me if "I liked it". What did he expect me to say? hehe. After that we talked like friends. I wished that I wasn't going to die. I wanted to be with Taylor forever. I didn't know if he felt the same way but it seemed like he did. This whole time Taylor looked sweet, and amazing. (He always is but oh geez wow) Anyway the point is I love him and even when I'm dead I will love him. I'm going to get some sleep. I have to wake up to say my very last good-bye to Tay. - Rachel
When Taylor read this, everything that went on in that treehouse that night in his opinion was a lot different. He never thought she was nervous or scared at all. To him she looked calm and ready. He was also upset how she dissed his penis out but he decided to get over it because it was one of the first she ever saw in her life. Taylor came across the last entry. The one she wrote before she killed herself.
It is 3:00, the day after the night I had sex with Tay. When I went to visit him this morning he told me how last night was such a big mistake and how we should just be friends. I did not want those words to come out of his mouth. I just wanted him to kiss me (Maybe something more) and then leave. Then at least I would die knowing I was wanted by the guy I loved my whole life. When he told me how he really felt it was like a sharp pain hitting me all over. He tried to hug me and dry my tears but I didn't let him. He kept talking to me to stop my crying but nothing worked. It was then where he had to go. He got in the van with his family. He stared at me. I stared back knowing this was the last time we would see each other. As the van pulled away for the airport he moved his eyes to his lap not looking back at me. I had never cried so hard in my life. Now was where I felt like I had to get my feelings for him out. I wanted to tell him how much I love him, how I have always loved him, tell him about my cancer, tell him about my plans to kill myself, tell him everything! I wanted to share all the things I have been hiding from him. This is the last thing I am writing in here. I am going to Tay and my river in two days to drown myself. I am scared of being shot, slashed, or oding on drugs. I have never been scared of water so I think drowning myself will be easy. Not only will it take away the pain of my cancer, but it will take away the pain of Taylor, and my family always trying to help me. I AM going to miss everyone, my brother, my two cats, my mom and dad, my friends and Taylor. I just have to keep reminding myself this is for the best. - Rachel
Taylor threw the diary down lying his face into his pillow crying. Rachel's suicide wasn't all his fault but he knew he was a big part of it. He had caused her pain her whole life just by dating other girls. All of her secrets were now revealed to him. He didn't know what to think. He needed to talk to someone and he knew who. Taylor grabbed the phone and quickly dialed Sandra's number. Sandra soon picked up after the second ring.
"Sandra!" Taylor shouted into the phone.
"Taylor? Hi, are you crying?"
"Can you come over?" He ignored her question.
"Why what's wrong?"
"I just need someone to talk to"
"Well, that's why the phone was invented"
"No I need to talk to you in person"
"Why what's wrong?"
"Oh Tay, I wish I could but I can't make it to Tulsa now. Is there anyway you can get here?"
"No" Taylor slumped down in his bed.
"Maybe my brother can drive me. I'll call you back"
Taylor ran down the stairs to the livingroom where Isaac was watching TV.
"Ike, my wonderful brother" Taylor began to suck up.
"Taylor my caring, loving brother..." Isaac's voice got stricter. "What do you want?!"
"Only for you to drive me to Oklahoma City"
"Haha, good one bro! You honestly think I'm your personal chauffeur, don't you?"
"Have you been crying or something?"
"It's a long story and that's why I have to go to Oklahoma City. I'm sure I will have time to share my story with you if you drive me"
"Nah, that's okay. I don't really want to hear it anyway. Could you move your fat head from the TV screen?"
"No, not unless you take me to Oklahoma City"
"Has it ever occurred to you that I may have a life and I may be to busy to drive you around?"
"No because you don't have a life" As Taylor said this the bell rang and Ike jumped up to get it. Taylor noticed it was Heather, Amanda's eighteen year old sister.
"See Tay, I have a life" Isaac let Heather in.
"What are you two going to do, watch TV? Now Heather, wouldn't you much rather check out the beautiful places in Oklahoma City?" Taylor asked approaching her.
"Well, it does sound like a good idea but OK City is kind of far from Tulsa"
"But let me remind you, your date has a car"
"And let me remind you, Tay. Heather's date does not feel like driving for twelve hours" Isaac eyed Taylor with a look saying 'Go away'.
"Its not twelve hours Ike! Its like three!"
"Whoopee, there's a difference!"
"Please Ike, please, please" Taylor got on his hands and knee's giving his brother a pathetic look then hugging his ankles.
"Taylor! Stop it!!" Isaac was embarrassed because of Taylor's begging fit in front of Heather.
"Please take me!!" Taylor pleaded.
"Fine, fine! Just get off of me!"
Taylor stood up. "Thankyou!" He ran to call Sandra.
"Be down in ten minutes!"
"One thousand, four hundred, seventy bottles of beer on the wall, One thousand, four hundred, seventy bottles of beer, if one of those bottles of beer should..."
"Taylor SHUTUP!" Isaac ordered his brother.
"Hey but I was up to 69!"
"Taylor, I agreed to drive you so don't annoy me! If I hear one note, no, one peep come out of your mouth then I'm stopping and driving back home!"
"I was kidding!"
Taylor decided to shutup and listen to the conversation Heather and Isaac were having. He couldn't wait until he got to Sandra's house. He really wanted to see her.
"Sandra!" Taylor walked into the house she shared with her family who wasn't home.
"Hey Tay!" She hugged him closing the door.
Sandra walked him into her bedroom.
"Whoa, this is an awesome room!" Taylor exclaimed looking around. Sandra's whole ceiling was a mirror. He heard about ceilings like that in movies, but he didn't think anyone actually had one. Taylor saw that Sandra had very old but what looked to be valuable furniture. The room was not very bright, kind of dark but he liked it.
"It used to be my grandmothers"
"Yeah but she passed away"
"Sorry, so did mine"
"Well, what is it you wanted to show me?" Sandra changed the mushy sad subject while throwing herself on her bed allowing Taylor to do the same.
"This" He took Rachel's diary out of his maroon bookbag.
Sandra opened the diary looking through it. "Who's diary is this?"
"She didn't kill herself all because of me. She had cancer and was afraid to die"
"So that must be a relief"
"You would think it was but in every entry she wrote about how much she loved me"
"And you feel guilty because you told her you didn't love her, right?"
"Yeah, I guess that's the whole thing"
"Why didn't she tell you about her cancer?"
"She thought I would think she was weird"
"When you told her you only loved her as a friend, was that the truth?"
"I guess it was. I thought of her as such a close friend the fact of being anything else scared me"
"So then you told her the truth. You should have no regrets. A lot of people aren't going to want to hear something in their lives but will hear it. The only thing you can do is get on with your life. Sorry for the bad advice"
"No its good advice. Your right. So now that your my friend, are there any secrets you want to get out?
"Well, what do you want me to tell you?"
Taylor thought about this. "What age did you lose your virginity and to who?"
"His name was Tommy and I was fifteen"
"Did you ever have sex after that?"
"Now that where talking about sex, let me just come right out with everything. I have had sex many times in my life, I enjoy sex as much as you do, I masturbate two times a day and yes, I do own a dildo. The last time I had sex was two weeks ago, I am not HIV positive, I have never been pregnant, and I'm bisexual. Well that's pretty much everything about my sex life. Anything you want to share about yours?"
Taylor eyes were wide. "Ummm..."
"Oh Tay, don't act like its anything weird" Sandra laughed.
"Okay Tay, why don't you just show me your sex life?" She moved her lips to Taylor's kissing him. Taylor finally snapped out of his little trance and kissed her back. Her tongue must have been experienced because it knew all the right places to go in Taylor's mouth. There was one thing he didn't understand that he just had to set straight.
"Aren't we just friends?" Taylor stopped kissing her.
"Is that what you really want Taylor?"
"Well... not really"
"Good" She licked Taylor's lips with her tongue entering his mouth once again. He responded the same way. He noticed she was unzipping her summer dress and helped her. When the dress glided off her skin it revealed a cotton flowered bra and panties set. Taylor thought it looked cute but before he could say anything Sandra had climbed onto him. She laid him down on the bed wildly kissing him. He held her below her breasts now moving his hands to the back of the bra and onto the clasp in the back. She allowed him to take it off while she slid Taylor's blue t-shirt over his head. Taylor rolled over her so that he was on top. He kissed her nipples beginning to lick and suck them. She moaned loudly. Not many girls had ever let him do anything like this to them without an argument. Sandra unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. She glided them down and off along with his boxers. With both hands placed around his penis, she rubbed him as hard as she could until he reached his ecstasy. Taylor gently took off her underwear. He was ready to screw her right at that moment until she pushed him away. She sat up spreading her legs far apart. She then laid back down. Taylor was confused. Did she want him to have sex with her? He didn't know but decided that she probably did. Taylor moved himself closer ready to enter her but she held her hand out to stop him.
"Yeah, I'm listening"
"You know what I want right?"
"I think so"
"Because you act like your so experienced"
"I am" He insisted.
"Good, you know what to do then" She guided his head between her legs.
Taylor now understood. He couldn't believe that this is what she wanted. He looked at her dampened insides. Slowly and cautiously he licked at her clitoris. He could feel her vibrating. He began to nibble at her delicately, and stroke her strongly with his tongue.
"Taylor" She moaned louder and louder as he caressed her. She felt her stomach cramping up at the approaching orgasm and sighed heavily.
Taylor tasted her come in his mouth but ignored it by swallowing. "Taylor fuck me" She breathed out. "Please, Taylor" She begged. Taylor wanted to really give it to her now. He moved his tongue from her vulva, bringing it back to her mouth and kissing her. He held her close as he thrusted his penis into her deeper and deeper until he had completely penetrated her. She moaned loudly and he did the same. Both were enjoying this until Taylor realized what he was doing. He had promised himself he would only be with Skye. He was betraying his plans and his love for her. But here he was, inside Sandra, an eighteen year old beautiful woman who he had wanted to have sex with since they met. He had so much on his shoulders, the whole Skye thing, the Rachel thing, the Angel thing... Why did he always seem to get himself into so much trouble? Having sex was beginning to make his problems go away. Although he knew it might be causing more problems like a 'Sandra thing'.
Soon after Sandra and Taylor were tired of fooling around and having sex they laid down motionless in her bed looking up at themselves in the mirror. Both were in a loss for words but Taylor quickly came up with something. "What if your sleeping and the mirror falls on you?"
"I don't think that is possible" She laughed.
"I think it is. If it cracks or something"
"Has your ceiling ever fell on you?"
"Well, no but I have a normal ceiling"
"Where did you come up with that assumption of my ceiling falling?"
"I think a lot"
"So your bisexual?"
"What does that mean?"
"I like fooling around with woman but if I had to pick between a man and a woman it would be a man"
"How could you find any pleasure with a woman?!"
"Well, you seem to find it"
"Yeah but I'm a guy, its different"
"Well, invite me over when you your girlfriends are here. Okay?"
"Yeah sure" Sandra giggled. "So Tay, what number am I?"
"Yeah of girls you fuck. Don't you guys keep score?"
"Why do girls always ask that? I don't have a count!"
"In my highschool all the guys kept count"
"Well, I'm homeschooled"
"Oh!" Sandra laughed.
"I have a question"
"Sure go ahead"
"If you love sex so much, why didn't you have sex with me when I asked you to in the plane after we met?"
"Simple, because your the mmmbop boy!" Sandra giggled.
"The mmmbop boy! Stop calling me that!" Taylor laughed jerking his body up.
"And what if I don't, mmmbop boy!"
"Then I'm going to have to force you to have sex with me again!"
"Oooo, I have handcuffs!"
Hearing that made Taylor's whole face light up with excitement. "So go get them!"
"Hold on" She jumped out of the bed searching for the handcuffs in her draws.
As Sandra looked Taylor came from behind her throwing his arms around her waist. "Ever have anal sex?" He asked into her ear.
"Yes but I would much rather have sex that isn't anal"
"Your not in the right position for that" Taylor informed her as if she didn't know.
"Do you want me to find these handcuffs or not?" She asked trying to avoid his anal sex idea knowing from experience that it hurts very much. As she was looking the doorbell rang.
"Just ignore it" Taylor kissed her neck.
"I can't" She said putting her summer dress back on and asking Taylor to zipper it.
"Wait here" She ordered going to answer it. When she got to the door she opened it and saw Isaac, Taylor's brother. "Oh hi, your the other mmmbop boy right?"
"No, I'm the mmmbop man" Isaac noticed how adorably cute Sandra was but before he could even attempt to flirt or ask her out, Heather had came up from behind him.
"And you must be mmmbop man's girlfriend" She laughed.
"No, where just on a date" Heather corrected Sandra.
"Okay, your here to pick up Taylor?" Sandra directed her question to Isaac hoping the answer would be no.
"Yeah, we have to head back to Tulsa. Its a long drive"
"Okay hold on. I'll get him. You can come in"
Isaac and Heather sat down on Sandra's sofa making themselves at home while Sandra went to get Taylor.
"Is that Taylor's girlfriend?" Heather asked Ike.
"No friend, I think" Isaac was fantasized with the wooden statue of two dogs humping which was on Sandra's coffee table.
"I thought so. She looked to old to be his girlfriend"
"Yeah, she's eighteen"
"Oh same as me" Heather smiled.
"Could you stop touching that statue! Geez!" Heather laughed moving his hands away.
"Well where do you want me to put my hands?"
"Anywhere but on that erotic piece of clay"
"Okay" Isaac laid Heather down on the sofa moving his hand onto her breast and caressing it while kissing her.
"Ahem.." Taylor made a fake cough to get his brothers attention.
"Oh, Tay, hi, hey" Isaac backed off of Heather allowing her to sit up.
"And you say I'm the major sex maniac" Taylor made the word 'I'm' clear.
"Yeah, well you are" Isaac stood up.
"Why do we have to leave so soon? We've only been in OK City for like three hours!"
"It's a long drive home and its already 9:00. That's why" Isaac answered Taylor.
"Oh fine" Taylor figured Isaac was right.
Sandra opened the door to let Taylor, Isaac and Heather out. She reached for Taylor throwing her arms around his neck and laying a kiss on his lips. He kissed her back inserting his tongue into her mouth and wrapping his hands around her waist. Isaac and Heather stood absolutely still watching.
"I thought you said they were just friends" Heather whispered to him.
"That's what I thought" He murmured back.
"Mmmm" Sandra moaned lightly.
"Um.. Taylor we have to go" Isaac looked at his watch. He would have said something more then that but he didn't want to embarrass his brother.
Taylor pulled away from Sandra. "I'll find those handcuffs for next time" She whispered into his ear.