Chapter 44 : Keep fishin'
Taylor
I sat in Alley's desk chair up in the study, staring out the window into the driveway. The room was completely dark, which matched my mood perfectly. I watched, feeling slightly numb, as Alex opened the car door for Alley and kissed her on the cheek. Well, he certainly was a gentleman, at least... Alley got in the car, and I could see her turn and look back at the house, her face drawn and full of worry. He started up the car and drove off, but I didn’t move. I wasn’t sure if I even could. So I opted to just sit silently, mesmerized by the streetlamps that merrily winked outside in the darkness.
Heavy footsteps startled me. Louise. And from the sound of the rampant stomping, she was none too pleased. I briefly considered hiding, but decided that it would take too much effort.
“Taylor!” she called from another room. “Taylor, where are you? Get out here.”
I ignored her, and turned my attention back to the street. A dark green car slowly traveled down the street, pulling into the driveway directly across from us. An older couple, middle-aged, got out, and pulled bags of groceries from the trunk. So normal... why couldn't my life be normal?
“I’m serious, mister," Louise shouted. Yikes, she sounded pissed... "You and me are gonna have a little chat…” I could hear doors banging around. Hmm… maybe I would do that hiding thing, after all…
The room was suddenly flooded with light, and Louise appeared right inside the doorway. “A-ha!” she said triumphantly. She swiftly began walking towards me. “There you are.”
“Yep, here I am,” I said dryly. “And here I go…” I stood up in an effort to escape from the room.
“No, you don’t,” Louise said smoothly, grabbing my wrist in a vice grip. I yelped as she crushed the bones. “You’re coming with me.”
“Dammit,” I muttered. “Not again.”
She dragged me down the stairs and into the living room. “We’re gonna be here awhile. Stay right here,” she commanded before disappearing into the kitchen. A minute later she re-appeared with two Cokes in tall, clear glasses of ice. She sat down, setting them on the coffee table in front of us. I sighed, knowing what was next.
“Listen,” I said wearily. “If this is another one of your ‘cheer Taylor up’ plans, it’s not going to work. I’m tired of all your never-ending support and encouragement. I'm tired of hearing how perfect I am for Alley. It's not going to happen, Louise. I’ve faced facts, and you should, too – she and I were not meant to be.”
“Maybe you’re right, Taylor," Louise immediately answered, completely shocking me. What? No, that's not what she was supposed to say... "Maybe I was wrong this time. Lord knows it wouldn’t be the first time... And you know what? I don’t care, as long as she’s happy. As long as she has someone to take care of her. And he certainly seems to be a nice guy.” She took a large gulp of Coke and sat back against the cushions.
I swallowed. Well, she was right, and I had finally gotten her to agree with me... So why was my heart slowly dropping into my stomach? Why was I wanting her to fight me, to disagree?
“Well, glad that’s settled,” I said, trying vainly to sound nonchalant and not heartbroken. I grabbed the Coke she’d set out for me and concentrated on the fizzy bubbles foaming around the top.
“Fantastic. However, I have another issue with you.”
“Great.” Yeah, just what I wanted to hear.
She set her drink down. “Your attitude has been less than wonderful lately, Taylor. And I’ve just about had enough of it.”
Louise was, in my estimation, the most blunt person I'd ever met. I stirred an ice cube around with my finger, hating that I felt so bad whenever she lecture me this way. “And?”
She glared at me. “What is with you? You’re so rude to both of us. You’ve hurt Alley’s feelings more times than I can be bothered to count these past few weeks. After all she's done for you!" she exclaimed, and I winced. "And I get tired of seeing you mope around all the time when she’s out with him. I wish I could take you to a psychologist, because you need some serious help.”
Well, she was certainly a sweet one. “Thank you, Miss Sorrell," I drawled. "I’ll take your words into consideration.”
We locked eyes for a minute, and I immediately felt about two inches tall. Holy shit, she was serious. If looks could kill…
“Well, I certainly hope you do. Because otherwise, you’re going to end up completely alienating us and that would leave you a very lonely young man. Remember, right now, we’re the only friends you have.”
I scowled at her, but had no retort. God, why did she have to be so fucking reasonable all the time?
“Are you even listening to me?”
“Yes,” I snapped. “You’re complaining about what a little bastard I’ve been lately.”
“And do you understand why?”
“Because I hurt her feelings. Well, how about that? Not like she hasn’t trampled all over mine with those little black boots of hers... not like I'm not the one whose heart has been completely shattered...”
“Taylor, stop acting like a victim. Yes, you've hurt her feelings, but what makes it so terrible is that you're doing it on purpose. You're hurting her intentionally, and I don't understand why you're so willing to let a great friendship be completely ruined because you have some jealousy issues.”
“You don’t get it.”
“No. No, I don’t fucking get it. All I know is my best friend, my little sister, just left the house to go on a date with her boyfriend, which should have been a nice, pleasant occasion for her. However, judging by the look on her face and the watery eyes, she is going to spend the evening worrying about your sorry ass. Why? Because no matter how you act, no matter how much of a total prick you are, she still cares about you. Loves you. She fucking loves you, Taylor. You mean so much to her. And yet you continue to treat her like shit.”
I stared, slightly dumbfounded at all the four-letter words that had just come out of her mouth. “Jesus, I thought you didn’t like to curse, Louise.”
“TAYLOR!” she shouted. “I am so… God, what’s a good word… infuriated with you right now. You’re lucky all your limbs are still in working order.”
“I can tell,” I mumbled. My mind replayed her words several times. Alley was crying? I made her cry? Me, the guy who hated to see her in tears, who had done everything in his power to cheer her up when she'd come home sobbing after the party with Jay? God, I was a bastard. She loved me. Maybe not in the romantic way I had hoped for, but at least as a friend... I hung my head, saying nothing.
“She asked me to check on you, you know.”
I looked up. “Oh?”
She studied me intently. “Yeah.”
I didn’t know what to say. “Okay…”
“Yeah. And I guarantee I’ll get a phone call from her soon, asking if you’re alright. And of course, she’ll probably cut her time with Alex short because she’ll want to come back here and talk to you. Although I don't know why in the hell she would want to do a thing like that, when she has a perfectly nice man with her who wouldn't intentionally make her feel like dirt.”
God, Louise always knew just what to say to cut right through me. I winced, biting my lip. I knew she was purposely making me feel guilty, but I also knew that I deserved it. Because she was right, as usual. As always. How irritating.
“Well, are you going to talk to her when she gets back?" Louise asked sharply. "Or are you going to brush her off again?”
“Well…” I still couldn't get that one thought -- I made her cry -- out of my head.
“Taylor, I think you should apologize," Louise said, in a gentler voice. "I know it will be hard on that rock star ego of yours, but it needs to be done. For both your sakes.”
I finally nodded, silent.
“Okay?” she asked softly.
“Yeah.” My throat felt a little scratchy. “I know you’re right..." I said softly.
"Of course I am."
I ignored her arrogant agreement. "You know, she wanted to talk earlier… she was going to cancel on Alex and stay with me.” I laughed shortly. “I yelled at her. Told her to forget it. That’s probably why she was upset.”
“Probably.”
“Yeah.” I drew my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on them and sighed. “My life is such a mess. And I just keep digging myself in deeper and deeper.”
“It’s not a complete mess, Taylor… just a little… complicated.”
“A lot complicated.”
She chuckled. It was the first hint of a smile I’d seen from her all evening. “Yeah.”
“I’ll straighten things out tonight,” I said quietly. "I'll apologize."
“Okay. And will you keep things straightened out from here on out?”
I smiled ruefully. “I’ll try. I can’t make any promises.”
“I know it’s hard, but just try and be happy for her,” she said. “You had your chance, and you let it pass you by. So now you have to accept the situation.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, I know. You’ve told me that at least a thousand times.”
“Well, just reminding you... But don’t forget, there are such things as second chances. Next time, when the opportunity arises, maybe you won't be so hesitant...”
“Second chances?” I repeated. What in the world did that mean?
She wiggled her eyebrows. “I think our discussion is over. I’m going upstairs for awhile, and then I’ll probably go to bed. Let me know how it goes this evening.”
“ ‘Kay,” I mumbled as she stood up, slapping my knee soundly, as a parent does to a small child. I felt like a complete ass.
I watched her leave the room, a smug smile plastered across her face. Funny, she usually looked like that after she gave me a good lecture. I stretched out across the couch and took several swallows of Coke. While I waited, I mentally rehearsed the apology I would give to Alley when she got home.
*****
It was close to eleven o'clock when several thumps interrupted my train of thought, and I turned to see the cat sitting next to me, staring. He meowed pitifully, and I smiled as I rubbed his head. He closed his eyes and purred.
“Yep,” I sighed. “I’ve really messed things up this time, boy. Think she’ll forgive me?”
No response except for more purring. Either he was ignoring me, or I was stupid enough to really believe that a cat could understand me.
A door slammed outside. Ah, she was home... And it was only eleven. Hmmm. Chester’s eyes opened wide and he ran toward the door, voicing his excitement all the way. I remained on the couch, nervously twiddling my thumbs. When the front door didn’t open right away, I stood and walked cautiously into the hall. I could see through the small windows next to the door; Alex and Alley stood outside under the porchlight. I groaned inwardly, waiting for the inevitable. This was the last thing I needed to see right now — my obsession and her boyfriend making out under a starry night. Yet, as creepy and stalker-ish as it sounded, I couldn’t tear my gaze from those windows; from her. And when I held my breath and listened very carefully, between Chester’s frantic meows I could just barely make out their conversation.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” That was Alex. I watched as he leaned closer to her.
“Yeah,” she murmured. “Well, I’m really tired. Goodnight.”
That was rather abrupt, I thought, creeping closer to the window. Part of me felt guilty for spying, but I dismissed it, too curious to let it stop me. Alex had his hands lightly on her waist and was staring intently at her. Staring at her the way I wanted to stare at her... Alley just smiled mechanically, looking distracted and a little lost, and I realized that Louise had been right -- she'd had that same look just before she'd left, right after I'd yelled at her. She probably had been thinking about me all evening...
My heart beat rapidly, but whether it was from jealousy or merely heartache, I couldn’t tell. He leaned forward even more, obviously going in for a kiss, and I cringed. But, surprisingly, she turned her head and he had to settle for a kiss on the cheek. I caught my breath, a little surprised at her brush-off. Was it possible that Louise was right? That maybe she didn't actually like Alex as much as she claimed? God, I hoped so, as wrong as that sounded. I wanted that other chance, the chance to show her how much she truly meant to me. And all I knew was that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life fishing for someone who could only be second-best.
I was so busy mooning over her that I hadn't even noticed that Alex had said his goodnights, and she'd already turned to come inside. The doorknob rattled, startling me. Panicking, I spun and fled back toward the living room, stepping on that damn cat’s tail in the process. He screamed loudly at me, hissed, and promptly stalked towards the stairs. I leaped over and slumped down on the couch, attempting to look casual.
“Baby? What’s wrong?” I heard her coo as the door clicked closed. Damn, she'd heard that. “What’s the matter?”
She walked into the living room, holding the massive ball of fur in her arms. She stopped when she saw me, standing uncertainly, halfway between the kitchen and living room. My chest ached at the innocent, unsure expression on her face. She probably wasn’t sure whether she should just say hello or mace me...
“Hey,” I mumbled. “Sorry about that. Stepped on his tail.”
“Oh,” she said. “Okay. I was wondering.”
“Yeah.” I twiddled my thumbs again. Thanks to Alley, I had adopted the unsightly habit of chewing my nails, and the skin around them was dry. I picked at it absently.
She set Chester down and lightly dusted the fur off of her shirt. “Well, goodnight,” she said softly, turning to leave.
“Wait, Alley--” I rolled over, trying to get off the couch quick enough to stop her. My foot bumped the coffee table, sending the drinks Louise had set there earlier flying everywhere. “Shit! Could this day get any worse?” I hissed as Coke spilled down my jeans and on the carpet.
“I’ll go get some paper towels.” She disappeared into the kitchen. I watched as the brown liquid dripped down the sides of the table. I shouldn’t press my luck, the way this day has been going. I should just go on to bed before I fuck this up even worse.
She returned and carefully mopped up the mess with the towels. I stood and watched, feeling childish and stupid. “Need some help?” I asked lamely.
She glanced up at me. “No, I got it.”
I waited until after she finished before attempting another apology. She got up to throw the soggy paper towels away, and when she walked back into the living room, I approached her, blocking the way upstairs. She halted, cracking her knuckles — another nervous habit of hers. We stood about three feet apart, silently studying each other for a minute.
“I’m sorry.”
I silently cursed. Okay, that was pretty pathetic, Taylor. Maybe you should be a little more specific.
“For what?” she asked quietly.
I snorted in disbelief. “For everything. I mean--” I paused to gather my thoughts. “Alley, I’m an asshole. I’m sorry... I'm sorry for saying those things... for being so rude these past few weeks...”
“You’re not an asshole, Taylor," she said softly. "Well, most of the time you’re not, anyway…” The first hint of a tentative smile began to appear on her face. I smiled back shakily as relief washed over me. I felt a surge of adrenaline, and found myself pouring my heart out.
“It’s just…" I faltered for a moment, before gathering momentum. "Alley, I’m so lost right now, and I don’t know what to do... and I’m worried that I’m never going to go home... I’m never going to see my family again... I’m never going to play music again... and I can’t stay here because you and Louise are going to move out and get married one of these days... and then I don’t know what I’m going to do because you all are all I’ve got, and--” I stopped, horrified when my vision began to get blurry. Hell, was I crying? “I just don’t know what to do!” I lowered my head, embarrassed when the tears started rolling down my cheeks. This was not the way I had intended this conversation to go...
“Oh, Taylor,” she said. The next thing I knew, a pair of slender arms were around my neck and waist. One hand gently smoothed my hair back, and I immediately buried my face in her shoulder, relieved at her forgiveness. “I’m so sorry.”
“Why?” I mumbled into her neck, wrapping my arms tightly around her waist. “I’m the asshole here.” I sniffed loudly.
“Ssshhh,” she murmured softly in my ear. I leaned heavily against her, relying on her support, as she tucked my hair behind my ears. God, I loved it when she did that. “You don’t need to apologize. I understand. Well, maybe I can’t truly understand, but I’m trying.” She sniffed, letting me know I wasn’t the only damp-eyed one in the room. “I’m trying. Maybe I haven’t been doing a very good job of it lately--”
“No, no. It’s my fault. I’ve… I’ve had a lot of stuff on my mind…”
“—But this keeps happening, Taylor. This isn’t the first time a fight like this has happened. ” She stepped back and held me at arm’s length. Her red-rimmed eyes bored into mine. “It’s not just you, it’s me. What am I doing wrong? Am I not here enough for you? Have I not been listening enough? What do I need to do?”
“No,” I said softly. “I haven’t been telling you enough.”
She smiled halfheartedly, smoothing the side of my face with one hand. “You can tell me anything. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yes.” I gently grabbed the hand that stroked my face and held it. “And when I’m ready, I will. I promise. But not yet. I still have some… issues I need to sort out.”
She nodded. “Okay.” She squeezed my hand. “But please, when something's wrong... tell me, Taylor. I've been worrying about you all evening...”
“I know,” I said. "And I'm sorry for that." I smiled at the light blush spreading across her cheeks. “But it’s getting late. You should go to bed.”
“Taylor! We’re in the middle of a discussion!” The appalled look on her face was enough to make me laugh.
“I realize this… And I also realize that we could stay up all night apologizing to each other. But you have class in the morning. So as long as you don't hate me anymore, let’s call it a truce.”
"Taylor, I could never hate you. I love you, you idiot." Well, with the exception of the 'idiot' add-on, they were just the words I wanted to hear... only, not in the right context. Well, I would take what I could get. I hugged her fiercely.
"Love you too, you nerd..." I laughed as she pinched my side.
“You’re probably right, though...” she sighed. "Seven o'clock is going to come too early..."
“Of course I’m right.”
She rolled her eyes. My spirits lifted somewhat, and I felt better than I had in weeks. We were back to normal... Well, as normal as the two of us could possibly be, anyway.
“C’mon, let’s go to bed.” I blushed a little, hoping she didn’t read between the lines on that one. I hoped the light in the room was dim enough so she couldn’t see my face.
“Okay.” Smiling, she linked her arm with mine, and I led her towards the stairs. We walked up the steps together, side by side, giggling as we bumped into each other and the wall along the way.
I walked on into her room and got into bed as she went to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. A few minutes later, she came into the room, flipping off the light on her way to bed. I watched intently as she climbed in and snuggled underneath the comforter.
“Hey, Alley?”
“Yeah?”
“You know what you said about honesty? If I’m upset about anything, I can tell you?”
“Yeah?” She yawned.
“That goes for you, too, you know.”
She rolled over to face me. “I know. And believe me, you’ll hear about it, when the time comes.” She snickered. “Now get your feet away from me, they’re freezing.”
I sat in Alley's desk chair up in the study, staring out the window into the driveway. The room was completely dark, which matched my mood perfectly. I watched, feeling slightly numb, as Alex opened the car door for Alley and kissed her on the cheek. Well, he certainly was a gentleman, at least... Alley got in the car, and I could see her turn and look back at the house, her face drawn and full of worry. He started up the car and drove off, but I didn’t move. I wasn’t sure if I even could. So I opted to just sit silently, mesmerized by the streetlamps that merrily winked outside in the darkness.
Heavy footsteps startled me. Louise. And from the sound of the rampant stomping, she was none too pleased. I briefly considered hiding, but decided that it would take too much effort.
“Taylor!” she called from another room. “Taylor, where are you? Get out here.”
I ignored her, and turned my attention back to the street. A dark green car slowly traveled down the street, pulling into the driveway directly across from us. An older couple, middle-aged, got out, and pulled bags of groceries from the trunk. So normal... why couldn't my life be normal?
“I’m serious, mister," Louise shouted. Yikes, she sounded pissed... "You and me are gonna have a little chat…” I could hear doors banging around. Hmm… maybe I would do that hiding thing, after all…
The room was suddenly flooded with light, and Louise appeared right inside the doorway. “A-ha!” she said triumphantly. She swiftly began walking towards me. “There you are.”
“Yep, here I am,” I said dryly. “And here I go…” I stood up in an effort to escape from the room.
“No, you don’t,” Louise said smoothly, grabbing my wrist in a vice grip. I yelped as she crushed the bones. “You’re coming with me.”
“Dammit,” I muttered. “Not again.”
She dragged me down the stairs and into the living room. “We’re gonna be here awhile. Stay right here,” she commanded before disappearing into the kitchen. A minute later she re-appeared with two Cokes in tall, clear glasses of ice. She sat down, setting them on the coffee table in front of us. I sighed, knowing what was next.
“Listen,” I said wearily. “If this is another one of your ‘cheer Taylor up’ plans, it’s not going to work. I’m tired of all your never-ending support and encouragement. I'm tired of hearing how perfect I am for Alley. It's not going to happen, Louise. I’ve faced facts, and you should, too – she and I were not meant to be.”
“Maybe you’re right, Taylor," Louise immediately answered, completely shocking me. What? No, that's not what she was supposed to say... "Maybe I was wrong this time. Lord knows it wouldn’t be the first time... And you know what? I don’t care, as long as she’s happy. As long as she has someone to take care of her. And he certainly seems to be a nice guy.” She took a large gulp of Coke and sat back against the cushions.
I swallowed. Well, she was right, and I had finally gotten her to agree with me... So why was my heart slowly dropping into my stomach? Why was I wanting her to fight me, to disagree?
“Well, glad that’s settled,” I said, trying vainly to sound nonchalant and not heartbroken. I grabbed the Coke she’d set out for me and concentrated on the fizzy bubbles foaming around the top.
“Fantastic. However, I have another issue with you.”
“Great.” Yeah, just what I wanted to hear.
She set her drink down. “Your attitude has been less than wonderful lately, Taylor. And I’ve just about had enough of it.”
Louise was, in my estimation, the most blunt person I'd ever met. I stirred an ice cube around with my finger, hating that I felt so bad whenever she lecture me this way. “And?”
She glared at me. “What is with you? You’re so rude to both of us. You’ve hurt Alley’s feelings more times than I can be bothered to count these past few weeks. After all she's done for you!" she exclaimed, and I winced. "And I get tired of seeing you mope around all the time when she’s out with him. I wish I could take you to a psychologist, because you need some serious help.”
Well, she was certainly a sweet one. “Thank you, Miss Sorrell," I drawled. "I’ll take your words into consideration.”
We locked eyes for a minute, and I immediately felt about two inches tall. Holy shit, she was serious. If looks could kill…
“Well, I certainly hope you do. Because otherwise, you’re going to end up completely alienating us and that would leave you a very lonely young man. Remember, right now, we’re the only friends you have.”
I scowled at her, but had no retort. God, why did she have to be so fucking reasonable all the time?
“Are you even listening to me?”
“Yes,” I snapped. “You’re complaining about what a little bastard I’ve been lately.”
“And do you understand why?”
“Because I hurt her feelings. Well, how about that? Not like she hasn’t trampled all over mine with those little black boots of hers... not like I'm not the one whose heart has been completely shattered...”
“Taylor, stop acting like a victim. Yes, you've hurt her feelings, but what makes it so terrible is that you're doing it on purpose. You're hurting her intentionally, and I don't understand why you're so willing to let a great friendship be completely ruined because you have some jealousy issues.”
“You don’t get it.”
“No. No, I don’t fucking get it. All I know is my best friend, my little sister, just left the house to go on a date with her boyfriend, which should have been a nice, pleasant occasion for her. However, judging by the look on her face and the watery eyes, she is going to spend the evening worrying about your sorry ass. Why? Because no matter how you act, no matter how much of a total prick you are, she still cares about you. Loves you. She fucking loves you, Taylor. You mean so much to her. And yet you continue to treat her like shit.”
I stared, slightly dumbfounded at all the four-letter words that had just come out of her mouth. “Jesus, I thought you didn’t like to curse, Louise.”
“TAYLOR!” she shouted. “I am so… God, what’s a good word… infuriated with you right now. You’re lucky all your limbs are still in working order.”
“I can tell,” I mumbled. My mind replayed her words several times. Alley was crying? I made her cry? Me, the guy who hated to see her in tears, who had done everything in his power to cheer her up when she'd come home sobbing after the party with Jay? God, I was a bastard. She loved me. Maybe not in the romantic way I had hoped for, but at least as a friend... I hung my head, saying nothing.
“She asked me to check on you, you know.”
I looked up. “Oh?”
She studied me intently. “Yeah.”
I didn’t know what to say. “Okay…”
“Yeah. And I guarantee I’ll get a phone call from her soon, asking if you’re alright. And of course, she’ll probably cut her time with Alex short because she’ll want to come back here and talk to you. Although I don't know why in the hell she would want to do a thing like that, when she has a perfectly nice man with her who wouldn't intentionally make her feel like dirt.”
God, Louise always knew just what to say to cut right through me. I winced, biting my lip. I knew she was purposely making me feel guilty, but I also knew that I deserved it. Because she was right, as usual. As always. How irritating.
“Well, are you going to talk to her when she gets back?" Louise asked sharply. "Or are you going to brush her off again?”
“Well…” I still couldn't get that one thought -- I made her cry -- out of my head.
“Taylor, I think you should apologize," Louise said, in a gentler voice. "I know it will be hard on that rock star ego of yours, but it needs to be done. For both your sakes.”
I finally nodded, silent.
“Okay?” she asked softly.
“Yeah.” My throat felt a little scratchy. “I know you’re right..." I said softly.
"Of course I am."
I ignored her arrogant agreement. "You know, she wanted to talk earlier… she was going to cancel on Alex and stay with me.” I laughed shortly. “I yelled at her. Told her to forget it. That’s probably why she was upset.”
“Probably.”
“Yeah.” I drew my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on them and sighed. “My life is such a mess. And I just keep digging myself in deeper and deeper.”
“It’s not a complete mess, Taylor… just a little… complicated.”
“A lot complicated.”
She chuckled. It was the first hint of a smile I’d seen from her all evening. “Yeah.”
“I’ll straighten things out tonight,” I said quietly. "I'll apologize."
“Okay. And will you keep things straightened out from here on out?”
I smiled ruefully. “I’ll try. I can’t make any promises.”
“I know it’s hard, but just try and be happy for her,” she said. “You had your chance, and you let it pass you by. So now you have to accept the situation.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, I know. You’ve told me that at least a thousand times.”
“Well, just reminding you... But don’t forget, there are such things as second chances. Next time, when the opportunity arises, maybe you won't be so hesitant...”
“Second chances?” I repeated. What in the world did that mean?
She wiggled her eyebrows. “I think our discussion is over. I’m going upstairs for awhile, and then I’ll probably go to bed. Let me know how it goes this evening.”
“ ‘Kay,” I mumbled as she stood up, slapping my knee soundly, as a parent does to a small child. I felt like a complete ass.
I watched her leave the room, a smug smile plastered across her face. Funny, she usually looked like that after she gave me a good lecture. I stretched out across the couch and took several swallows of Coke. While I waited, I mentally rehearsed the apology I would give to Alley when she got home.
*****
It was close to eleven o'clock when several thumps interrupted my train of thought, and I turned to see the cat sitting next to me, staring. He meowed pitifully, and I smiled as I rubbed his head. He closed his eyes and purred.
“Yep,” I sighed. “I’ve really messed things up this time, boy. Think she’ll forgive me?”
No response except for more purring. Either he was ignoring me, or I was stupid enough to really believe that a cat could understand me.
A door slammed outside. Ah, she was home... And it was only eleven. Hmmm. Chester’s eyes opened wide and he ran toward the door, voicing his excitement all the way. I remained on the couch, nervously twiddling my thumbs. When the front door didn’t open right away, I stood and walked cautiously into the hall. I could see through the small windows next to the door; Alex and Alley stood outside under the porchlight. I groaned inwardly, waiting for the inevitable. This was the last thing I needed to see right now — my obsession and her boyfriend making out under a starry night. Yet, as creepy and stalker-ish as it sounded, I couldn’t tear my gaze from those windows; from her. And when I held my breath and listened very carefully, between Chester’s frantic meows I could just barely make out their conversation.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” That was Alex. I watched as he leaned closer to her.
“Yeah,” she murmured. “Well, I’m really tired. Goodnight.”
That was rather abrupt, I thought, creeping closer to the window. Part of me felt guilty for spying, but I dismissed it, too curious to let it stop me. Alex had his hands lightly on her waist and was staring intently at her. Staring at her the way I wanted to stare at her... Alley just smiled mechanically, looking distracted and a little lost, and I realized that Louise had been right -- she'd had that same look just before she'd left, right after I'd yelled at her. She probably had been thinking about me all evening...
My heart beat rapidly, but whether it was from jealousy or merely heartache, I couldn’t tell. He leaned forward even more, obviously going in for a kiss, and I cringed. But, surprisingly, she turned her head and he had to settle for a kiss on the cheek. I caught my breath, a little surprised at her brush-off. Was it possible that Louise was right? That maybe she didn't actually like Alex as much as she claimed? God, I hoped so, as wrong as that sounded. I wanted that other chance, the chance to show her how much she truly meant to me. And all I knew was that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life fishing for someone who could only be second-best.
I was so busy mooning over her that I hadn't even noticed that Alex had said his goodnights, and she'd already turned to come inside. The doorknob rattled, startling me. Panicking, I spun and fled back toward the living room, stepping on that damn cat’s tail in the process. He screamed loudly at me, hissed, and promptly stalked towards the stairs. I leaped over and slumped down on the couch, attempting to look casual.
“Baby? What’s wrong?” I heard her coo as the door clicked closed. Damn, she'd heard that. “What’s the matter?”
She walked into the living room, holding the massive ball of fur in her arms. She stopped when she saw me, standing uncertainly, halfway between the kitchen and living room. My chest ached at the innocent, unsure expression on her face. She probably wasn’t sure whether she should just say hello or mace me...
“Hey,” I mumbled. “Sorry about that. Stepped on his tail.”
“Oh,” she said. “Okay. I was wondering.”
“Yeah.” I twiddled my thumbs again. Thanks to Alley, I had adopted the unsightly habit of chewing my nails, and the skin around them was dry. I picked at it absently.
She set Chester down and lightly dusted the fur off of her shirt. “Well, goodnight,” she said softly, turning to leave.
“Wait, Alley--” I rolled over, trying to get off the couch quick enough to stop her. My foot bumped the coffee table, sending the drinks Louise had set there earlier flying everywhere. “Shit! Could this day get any worse?” I hissed as Coke spilled down my jeans and on the carpet.
“I’ll go get some paper towels.” She disappeared into the kitchen. I watched as the brown liquid dripped down the sides of the table. I shouldn’t press my luck, the way this day has been going. I should just go on to bed before I fuck this up even worse.
She returned and carefully mopped up the mess with the towels. I stood and watched, feeling childish and stupid. “Need some help?” I asked lamely.
She glanced up at me. “No, I got it.”
I waited until after she finished before attempting another apology. She got up to throw the soggy paper towels away, and when she walked back into the living room, I approached her, blocking the way upstairs. She halted, cracking her knuckles — another nervous habit of hers. We stood about three feet apart, silently studying each other for a minute.
“I’m sorry.”
I silently cursed. Okay, that was pretty pathetic, Taylor. Maybe you should be a little more specific.
“For what?” she asked quietly.
I snorted in disbelief. “For everything. I mean--” I paused to gather my thoughts. “Alley, I’m an asshole. I’m sorry... I'm sorry for saying those things... for being so rude these past few weeks...”
“You’re not an asshole, Taylor," she said softly. "Well, most of the time you’re not, anyway…” The first hint of a tentative smile began to appear on her face. I smiled back shakily as relief washed over me. I felt a surge of adrenaline, and found myself pouring my heart out.
“It’s just…" I faltered for a moment, before gathering momentum. "Alley, I’m so lost right now, and I don’t know what to do... and I’m worried that I’m never going to go home... I’m never going to see my family again... I’m never going to play music again... and I can’t stay here because you and Louise are going to move out and get married one of these days... and then I don’t know what I’m going to do because you all are all I’ve got, and--” I stopped, horrified when my vision began to get blurry. Hell, was I crying? “I just don’t know what to do!” I lowered my head, embarrassed when the tears started rolling down my cheeks. This was not the way I had intended this conversation to go...
“Oh, Taylor,” she said. The next thing I knew, a pair of slender arms were around my neck and waist. One hand gently smoothed my hair back, and I immediately buried my face in her shoulder, relieved at her forgiveness. “I’m so sorry.”
“Why?” I mumbled into her neck, wrapping my arms tightly around her waist. “I’m the asshole here.” I sniffed loudly.
“Ssshhh,” she murmured softly in my ear. I leaned heavily against her, relying on her support, as she tucked my hair behind my ears. God, I loved it when she did that. “You don’t need to apologize. I understand. Well, maybe I can’t truly understand, but I’m trying.” She sniffed, letting me know I wasn’t the only damp-eyed one in the room. “I’m trying. Maybe I haven’t been doing a very good job of it lately--”
“No, no. It’s my fault. I’ve… I’ve had a lot of stuff on my mind…”
“—But this keeps happening, Taylor. This isn’t the first time a fight like this has happened. ” She stepped back and held me at arm’s length. Her red-rimmed eyes bored into mine. “It’s not just you, it’s me. What am I doing wrong? Am I not here enough for you? Have I not been listening enough? What do I need to do?”
“No,” I said softly. “I haven’t been telling you enough.”
She smiled halfheartedly, smoothing the side of my face with one hand. “You can tell me anything. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yes.” I gently grabbed the hand that stroked my face and held it. “And when I’m ready, I will. I promise. But not yet. I still have some… issues I need to sort out.”
She nodded. “Okay.” She squeezed my hand. “But please, when something's wrong... tell me, Taylor. I've been worrying about you all evening...”
“I know,” I said. "And I'm sorry for that." I smiled at the light blush spreading across her cheeks. “But it’s getting late. You should go to bed.”
“Taylor! We’re in the middle of a discussion!” The appalled look on her face was enough to make me laugh.
“I realize this… And I also realize that we could stay up all night apologizing to each other. But you have class in the morning. So as long as you don't hate me anymore, let’s call it a truce.”
"Taylor, I could never hate you. I love you, you idiot." Well, with the exception of the 'idiot' add-on, they were just the words I wanted to hear... only, not in the right context. Well, I would take what I could get. I hugged her fiercely.
"Love you too, you nerd..." I laughed as she pinched my side.
“You’re probably right, though...” she sighed. "Seven o'clock is going to come too early..."
“Of course I’m right.”
She rolled her eyes. My spirits lifted somewhat, and I felt better than I had in weeks. We were back to normal... Well, as normal as the two of us could possibly be, anyway.
“C’mon, let’s go to bed.” I blushed a little, hoping she didn’t read between the lines on that one. I hoped the light in the room was dim enough so she couldn’t see my face.
“Okay.” Smiling, she linked her arm with mine, and I led her towards the stairs. We walked up the steps together, side by side, giggling as we bumped into each other and the wall along the way.
I walked on into her room and got into bed as she went to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. A few minutes later, she came into the room, flipping off the light on her way to bed. I watched intently as she climbed in and snuggled underneath the comforter.
“Hey, Alley?”
“Yeah?”
“You know what you said about honesty? If I’m upset about anything, I can tell you?”
“Yeah?” She yawned.
“That goes for you, too, you know.”
She rolled over to face me. “I know. And believe me, you’ll hear about it, when the time comes.” She snickered. “Now get your feet away from me, they’re freezing.”